Three kinds of connection

My friend Terry said something a while ago that really hooked me. We were on a warrior weekend in a beautiful place called Rancho El Chorro, outside of St Louis de Obispo, in northern California.

Twilight was falling and the evening was filled with the sounds of beautiful birdsong that echoed in the canyons of the surrounding countryside.

He invited me and the 40 or so men in the room to consider three kinds of awareness as we prepared ourselves to greet men who would arrive the next day to begin their "hero's journey" -- the journey of initiation.

He said the first kind of awareness was self-awareness -- the act of consciously tuning-in and observing the jumble of thoughts and feelings that fill the hemispheres of our (my) brain.

The act of becoming aware of the judgements I make of myself and others, and the consequent feelings that flow from these judgements. He invited us to check-in, to become more alive to this head and heart stuff, and to see how it shapes our (my) inner terrain.

Next, he invited us to become more open to the men around us -- of what they were were doing, saying and feeling. As staff men on the warior weekend it would be our job to serve the initiates and this would require us to perform that generous act of waking up to them and their world.

Finally, he invited us to consider a kind of over-arching awareness of the place that we occupied and the surrounding environment -- the sky, the earth, the hills, the river, the flora and the fauna -- the entire milieu, and everything in it.

Suddenly, I was re-awakened to the bigness of life and how small I allow me and my life to be. Connection to me. Connection to others. Connection to life.

Big!

When I left my igroup

For the past 18 months I've sat in a circle of men each week and witnessed the healing power of love. I met these men after I did the new warrior training adventure back in November 03. Since then, I've learnt many powerful lessons: some welcome, other not.

I learnt that what I hated about myself wasn't so unusual. Lots of men had felt what I'd felt: that I wasn't good enough, sexy enough, funny enough, rich enough, smart enough, exciting enough. I learnt that the stuff I'd been bashing myself up about - the hurtful stuff I'd downloaded over the years wasn't serving me; all it was doing was filling me with bitterness and dragging me to an early grave.

I also learnt that I was perfect the way I was. Sure, I still have aspirations to grow and learn and become something else, but those goals are now grounded in a place of acceptance and self love. The men in the circle taught me that. And they gave me a place to put those ambitions into practise. They supported me and challenged me in my journey. I'd never before had that from the men in my life. These men know me better than anyone: they've seen me own my "gold" and my "shadows", and they've shown me theirs. I love those men and I take them wherever I go in my heart. Nothing can take away the power and freedom they've given me. And nothing can change the fact that I've now moved on.

See, lately, I'd begun to see that that the juice was missing among in me and all of us. The passion, the commitment, the raison detre had seeped away. Ever felt that in a relationship? As always, there were two options: walk away or do something about it. Truth is I walked away because I chose not to spend the time or energy to make it the way I wanted it to be. I did so consciously, owning the truth that I'd probably hurt the men that had given me so much. I did it with an email, and I did so without little explanation beyond these words:

This is a check out. In my judgement, this igroup no longer serves me. I recognise that I co-create the ways in which this igroup doesn't serve me, and I choose not to spend the time or energy to make that happen. I intend to create or sit in igroups that serve me. I cherish the men in this igroup - past and present - that have given me; I trust that I have gifted them. I choose not to check out in the physical igroup. I welcome any feelings and judgements you might have about this. I choose to check out online so that all men I have known in the circle might read my check out. I check out with sadness, anger, shame, fear and above all, joy.

Some of the men have since told me that they are sad and confused. They've said they want me to come back and say why I've left. They've said they believe it would serve me and them to do this in their presence. They might be right. And it would honour a commitment among us to "check out" of the group eye-to-eye; man-to-man.

It's something to ponder ...